I think we’ve all heard it –  at some point in our lives, we’ve told someone that we play video games.  Their response was either a skeptical look, mocking laughter, or something along the lines of, “Why are you wasting your time with that?”  There may have been rare occassions when they have eagerly chimed in with “Dude, me too,” at which point music probably started playing in your ears and you each got a dreamy look on your faces while you gazed fondly into one another’s eyes.  At least, that’s generally how it goes for me.  Maybe others are slightly more centered in reality.  Finding that kindred spirit, while it may be more common now than it was ten years ago, is still rare enough that the latter situation probably holds true for most people.

So how do you combat it?  How do you convince these dunderheaded stooges that our gaming is just as viable a means of entertainment, and often yes, as viable a career, as anything else in the world?  Well, as a service to the readers here at Spawn Kill and to gamers everywhere, I have compiled this guide detailing just what to say to these skeptics when their look of reproach becomes too much for you to bear.

“I’m training to save the world/survive the apocalypse”

Whether it’s Final Fantasy or Left 4 Dead, chances are whatever game you’re playing has you either attempting to save the world or surviving in the aftermath of its downfall.  This is a great excuse because it shows two traits that everyone can admire: concern for your fellow man and human existence as a whole, and survival instinct.  And let’s get real for a second here.  REALLY real.  What training simulation could be better than Fallout 3 for post-apocalyptics urvival?  It has taught me to beware of all water, that not all ghouls are necessarily evil despite being horribly malfigured, and that gigantic bombs sitting around in the middle of towns will probably explode.  And that was just in the first hour of gameplay.  And what if all the sudden people in your town start showing up on the television right before they die, and it’s up to you to go into the television to save them?  Well, you spent 80 hours on Persona 4 training for JUST that eventuality.  And now?  Now that junk is solved.

I mean really, are video games any different than training simulators?  Even the armed forces are using games to train soldiers in how to kill and maim effectively.  I even have conspiracy theories floating around in my head about America’s Army being a staging ground to find the best snipers and gunmen for recruitment purposes.  If it’s good enough to train the army, it should be good enough for that girl you tried to ask out but who rejected you because you showed her your action figure of Rinoa from Final Fantasy VIII.

“I have a terminal disease and video games help me cope.”

This works for dope smokers.  I don’t see why it can’t work for us.  There’s no surer way to get someone’s sympathy than by telling them you’re about to die.  All the sudden their judgement goes straight out the window and you might even get them to buy you The Beatles: Rock Band because you can’t afford it because McDonald’s fired you for being about to die.  Ifyou can splash some water on your face and maybe stutter a little, all the better.  And if they ask what disease you’re fighting, you can either make something up (I always use Black-Celled Ascropriasis), there are plenty of catch-all diseases out there that aren’t visible under close scrutiny.  And if you’re really serious, bust out a copy of Trauma Center and tell them you were trying to figure out how to do your own surgery because your HMO wouldn’t cover your particular type of syphilitosaurus.  If they don’t cry while watching your hand shake as you attempt to remove someone’s liver in game, then they have no soul and you shouldn’t care what they think anyway.

“What do you do that’s so interesting?”

This is the simplest reply to anyone’s skepticism about video game as a hobby.  Ask them what they do for fun.  If the answer is any of the following, then slap them in the face:  watch sports, crochet, scrapbook, exercise (fun?), watch reality television, listen to music, hunt/fish, or stuff dead animals.  Some of these can be done while playing games, and the others you shouldn’t want to do unless you’re very lame or very insane.  It’s ironic to me when people scoff at video games and then go watch television for eight hours a night.  I’ve also always been amazed when people show hesistance to wear something video game related, such as a t-shirt, but then throw on a Cubs hat without fear of reprisal.  Where’s the difference?  In fact, I think wearing a Cubs hat should be looked down upon much more than wearing a Zelda shirt.

“I’m learning about history in an interactive way.”

If every single FPS player in the world isn’t a freaking professor level historian on the topic of World War 2 by now, then I don’t have knees and I was birthed from the coupling of a rock and the slime of a passing snail.  Games, particularly those set in realistic backdrops, don’t tend to fib too much on the details of history.  Sure, you MIGHT not have been there when the beaches of Normandy were stormed and thousands of men had their limbs blown from their bodies, but damned if you don’t know exactly what it looked and felt likea dozen times over.  And it’s not just World War 2.  Most of what I know about Greek history came from playing Age of Empires.  1920s Japan?  Devil Summoner.  2277?  Fallout 3.  Gaming is rife with historical accuracy.  Why do you think so many college students take history as a major or minor?  It’s a no-brain, no-study course load.  All you have to do is play through your collection maybe a little more than usual and chances are you’ll absorb enough to pass any tests thrown your way.  I’ve taken notes while playing games before, and that was just for my own benefit.

 

“Chicks dig video games.”

Now, I know this sounds contrary to some of what I’ve already written, but it’s true!  Chicks dig a guy who can beat the hardest difficulty of Street Fighter IV arcade mode.  As soon as that impressionable young lady sitting next to you sees you pull off a 24 hit combo ending in a Super on Seth after countering his  super twisting uppercut, you better believe she’s going to want those deft hands upon her body. 

And for female readers, dudes dig video games.  In case this wasn’t completely obvious by every drooling idiot who visits one of the many girl gamer specific sites out there, we fellas love to see a lady own some face.  Gone are the days when subservience and niceties were the things that attracted us to the fairer sex.  I personally still love to see a corset adorning a sexy torso, but I also greatly enjoy getting my nards handed to me by a smirking vixen.  This is contrary to my normal feelings of losing, which run the gambit from annoyance to coma-inducing rage.

There are other things to tell people when they ask why you “waste your time” with with video games, but I think the above responses should hold you in good stead for the majority of questions.  And if these don’t work, I strongly suggest belittling and berating your antagonist for anything and everything that they love in life.  It’s really the only way they’ll learn what pricks they’re being.  Violence is also the answer.  So good luck gamers!  This has been a public service announcement from your friendly neighborhood Snarkasaur!

[Editor's note: This is a work of satire, not necessarily intended to offend anyone.]

       

Tags: Editorial, Gaming

This entry was posted on Thursday, October 1st, 2009 at 7:58 pm and is filed under Editorials. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.